Detention

I am having a new experience as a mom. I am writing about it because, to me, this blog acts as a journal for myself that I just let anyone read (I know, weird), and as a way for me to share my family with people. So, I feel like this is something I need to record, as I would in a journal. Feel free to read it, or ignore it as the ramblings of a confused mom.

As a mom, I know there will still be many new things to encounter, but right now, I am completely flummoxed. I honestly don't know what to do. Here's the story:

When I picked Jacob and Tommy* (our carpool friend) up from school yesterday, I could tell by looking at Jake's face that something was up. I asked him how his day was and he burst into tears. He told me he got a detention. Tommy told me that Jacob had said a bad word while they were playing basketball. I looked back at Jake with, what I assume, was a look of horror on my face. Jacob immediately tells me he absolutely did NOT say a bad word. He is frantic. I didn't know what to do. I just said, "ok Jacob, I believe you. We'll talk about it when we get home."

We rode home in silence. Upon arrival, I tell Jake (who is sobbing quietly in the back seat) to go relax in his room and I would be up to talk with him in a minute. I am thinking that I need to make sure I do things right. I want my son to know that no matter what, he can be honest with me and I will be an advocate for him. I will always make sure that justice is served.

I take a deep breath, grab an ice cream cup and a spoon and head up to his room. I give him the ice cream, and as calmly as I can, ask him what happened. He tried to tell me, through his tears, that he and some friends were playing basketball and he was fouled. His friends heard him say a bad word. But he says he didn't. I tell him that it is okay if he did, but he needed to tell me the absolute truth. I asked him if he said something similar, like shoot, and he said maybe. Ok, so I have his side of the story. I leave him to finish his ice cream and work on his homework.

I spend the afternoon trying to think things through. I do not want to be the mom that insists her child is a perfect angel and would NEVER do anything wrong. But, I also want my son to know that I will fight for him. I don't want to alienate him and make it so he doesn't feel he can come to me with his problems in the future. So, I decide to call Tommy's mom and see if I can understand what Tommy saw and heard. At this point, his mom feels that Tommy might have acted too soon when he told the teacher what happened. So, I still feel Jake should not have to serve the detention. I tell Jacob that I will go and talk to his teacher in the morning and get everything straightened out. I explain that he may still have to serve the detention so he should be prepared for that outcome.

Fast forward to this morning. I find Jacob's teacher to ask her what she thought. She tells me that when she spoke with Jacob yesterday, he admitted that he did say the word. So now my son has lied to me? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. Together we go talk to Jake (who is in the health office because he got hit in the face with a ball, poor guy) and his teacher says that 15 different kids heard what happened and they all say he said a bad word. Jacob maintains that Alex* may have heard something like a bad word, and he told everyone else and they all believed Alex. He is convinced of his innocence. Again, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I look at Jake and tell him that it looks like he needs to serve the detention. He says, okay and I give him a kiss and wish him a good day.

By this time, Tommy's mom has arrived on campus so I go talk with her. She said last night, after things had calmed down, she talked with Tommy again to find out what really happened. At this point, the story, as I understand it, went something like this. Jake said something. Alex heard it. Alex told Tommy and Tommy ran to tell the teacher. What actually happened is this. Jake said the bad word. They continued playing basketball. After recess, the kids were lined up to go inside, and everyone was talking about the bad word. When Tommy's teacher walked by, she overheard the conversation and asked what happened, so Tommy told her. And Tommy says he actually heard Jacob say the bad word.

So, what do I do now? He will serve the detention after school today. Do I just let it go, or do I keep pestering my kid until he tells me the truth? Or do I just believe him and say sometimes life just isn't fair. I need help. These are uncharted waters. In my heart, I think the most important thing is that my son knows I love him and I believe in him, even when he makes mistakes. But, I also don't want him using foul language. What would you do?

*names changed, for obvious reasons